Amendment I - Congress shall not respect religion or allow the free exercise thereof. Freedom of speech is allowed, for speech we find acceptable. All other speech shall be ridiculed or stifled. The right of the people to peaceably assemble shall not be abridged, unless it is a bunch of redneck, racist, Conservative “Teabaggers” protesting Government spending.
Amendment II - A well regulated Militia, being extremely scary to us, as well as guns generally being kind of “yucky”,the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be allowed at any cost.
Amendment III - No soldier shall be honored or respected, because we know that they are all a bunch of baby-killers and they torture poor “freedom fighters” and make the rest of the world not like us, and that hurts our feelings.
Amendment IV - The right of the people to be secure in their homes is a Conservative fantasy. The Government is like our Big Brother. And we all know that our Big Brother can come in our room at any time and if you tell Mom, Big Brother will give you a “noogie”, but in this case, the “noogie” carries automatic weapons.
Amendment V - No person shall ever question Hollywood. Our views on politics and American culture shall correspond to what Alec Baldwin and Janeane Garafalo tell us. At no time shall our entertainment contain such antiquated notions such as patriotism, honor of country, support of the military or endorsement of so-called traditional American values. These are bad...very, very bad.
Amendment VI - In all criminal prosecutions, the Defendant, usually a Minority or illegal immigrant, shall have the benefit of doubt and shall be pitied. All arresting officers shall be considered to be corrupt and abusive, therefore the defendant shall go free, but not before collecting millions from a civil lawsuit.
Amendment VII - The right of trial by jury shall be preserved as long as the presiding Judge is, and instructs the jury to be, empathetic to the Defendant and take into consideration that his early childhood is responsible for him raping and murdering that 80 year old woman and a sentence of 6 months of intensive Group Therapy shall be the maximum imposed.
Amendment VII - Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, like speaking nasty, yelling, or putting you into a cold (75 degrees) cell or restricting your cable TV rights. Nor shall they be forced to exercise or work if they are sleepy or cranky, nor shall they be forced to eat fatty foods or stuff they find “gross”.
Amendment IX - The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to really be rights. We don’t believe in the Constitution.
Amendment X - All powers and rights are to be dispensed by the Federal Government at our discretion. All rights and powers that Conservatives think that they possess are hereby rescinded.
(click on picture for larger version. This is an original piece. Feel free to pass it on - Warpigg)
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